Friday, November 02, 2007

Relationship Month: Getting Set Up

Every once in a while I'll have people mention to me that they'd like to set me up with someone of their acquaintence. I've gone through periods in my life when I've felt very unwilling to go on dates that were set up, but I've also gone through times when it actually sounds fun. Now is one of the times when it sounds fun. Sure, I've been "set up" with someone that I've already known, and I've gone with someone who basically interviewed me for their open position of "wife." (I obviously failed that interview.) Those types of dating set ups are really, really pretty awkward, but I feel that it's sometimes fun to meet different people, even if it isn't a love connection, which, for me, it rarely is (okay, it never has been).

I've been asked a couple of times in the last few months if I would be willing to be set up with someone's coworker or their friend. I've said 'yes' both of those times, but for some reason, nothing has happened. Apparently the follow-through is lacking in those areas or the desire of the other party to the set up.

I think that the first guy is someone that my coworker tried to set me up with about three or four years ago, but I said no at the time. I wasn't in the set up mode then. In fact, I wasn't even wanting to date at all at the time. I didn't even realize that it was probably the same guy until a few days after I had given my phone number to the instigator of the set up. It's been about a month and a half, but I haven't heard anything, so I guess it's just too bad. And it is. It is.

The second guy speaks Spanish as his first language. In fact, I'm not sure how much English he knows. I'm not sure if he's even legally in this country. I think I can follow-up better on this one. Call me crazy, but I really, really want to go. If I go, I think I'll try to make it a double and see if my friend Sara will go, too. The person instigating the set up already asked me how I feel about dating Latin men. I guess there would be some people who might object, but I can't see how being Latin would be an automatic deal breaker. But maybe that's just me. I can say, though, that I am opposed to having a relationship with someone who is involved in illegal activities, so I suppose if I found out that he's not legal, the dating would have to cease.

So, I would like your feedback. If you're single, how do you feel about being set up? Do you have any stories relating to being set up? If you're married, do you get involved in setting people up? If so, why? If not, why not? Do you have any stories? Please share. Please. In the comments or by e-mailing me at cardinesblog atsign gmail dot com. Thanks.

Also, IamsohappybecausethereisnowarestaurantinmytownthatservesJapanesehibachiandsushi!


Anonymous said...

My answers to your questions: I feel fine about getting set up. The only time it was awkward - well, I guess it's ALWAYS a bit awkward - but, the only time it didn't really work out as a set-up was the time you tried to arrange for me to go out with the guy you didn't really know, but that your co-worker knew at one point in his life. (I'm not complaining, by the way, just mentioning it. Thank you for trying to work it out!)

I actually haven't been set up very much, just a few times. I haven't always felt fine about it. I used to tell people "no" if they wanted to set me up with someone, but then even after I started saying it was okay to set me up, nothing ever happened. The guys usually didn't call and/or the people setting me up didn't follow through.

The first blind date I actually had was a good experience, so it made me more open to blind dates. My date was a good conversationalist. I actually think about him sometimes in social settings when I want to try to get to know someone - his example taught me well. And Julie is a good example of that, too. She really knows things to say to get people to talk about themselves. I admire that.

Maybe I should've e-mailed all of this... it's kind of long. Sorry. :)

Indy said...

First off, Hi....I am back. It has been awhile.

I don't mind being set up. I figure (through long expereince) that to every five times you get asked if you mind getting set up with someone, and you say it will be fine, one person follows through. So, when I get asked that question and I say "go for it", I know that the likelyhood are low with follow through.

I have been on nice blind dates, and not so nice blind dates. Probably the worst was when I was visiting family in Phoenix and what was suppose to be a blind date with this guy ended up as a blind date with him and my family going to a movie. AWKWARD. And then afterwards I went to his house for Kerioke (his idea). I found out that it was because the man had an amazing vioce. That was doubling awkard. I have never seen the guy again (thank heavens), but I did see him mom once at the Manti pageant.

tearese said...

I had never been set up when I was single. I don't know if I'd ever set people up either, because if they have a horrible time, they'd blame you. Plus, I 'd feel bad for judging what a person is know, thinking they 'd like a certain person and then they don't, then they feel like you must not really know them well.
But..I guess if I really did know two single people that would have fun together, I supposed I might set them up. BUt probably not.
Does that make sense?

julie said...

I am surprisingly fairly open to being setup. I used to be dead-set against it. However, I had a nice experience this Spring - no "love connection" - but had a good time and met a new person. He was quite the gentleman and easy to talk to, and we were with the couple setting us up, so it was very relaxed and enjoyable.

My only problem with being setup has been my insecurity with my looks. I've decided, though, that my looks don't matter as much as I thought they did, so I'm a little more comfortable about being setup.

It's a lot easier allowing myself to be setup if I don't expect a love connection. In fact, like Indy, I've gotten to the point where I'll say yes but don't really expect the date to happen at all!

Aaahhhh, being single sure is interesting!

dub said...

One of the local singles wards near where I live has instituted a program called "Every Member a Matchmaker." The bishop is trying to encourage everyone to date more, and he suspects that it may help to make it a group effort. I don't know what kind of results they've had, although a few people in that ward have tried to set me up (without any dates resulting.)

I agree that most attempts to set people up don't end up in a date. And most blind dates end up not being so great. HOWEVER - I do know a lot of people who end up in long-term relationships with someone they got set up with, and I believe that it is one of the more effective "finding" methods for single people my age. Hence, I am all for being set up. I just have to remember not to get offended if I end up being set up with someone who is twenty years older than me or a high school dropout or addicted to Dungeons and Dragons or carless or toothless or whatever. When I go into a blind date looking for an interesting evening - or an interesting story to tell people later - then I can have a good time and I don't become more cynical just because of a less-than-ideal date.

Cardine said...

Yeah, I think it's pretty universal that most attempted set ups end up as nothing.

Thanks for the comments.

Sarah - Yeah, the first guy I mentioned is the guy that never called you! I'm not expecting anything since this is the SECOND time I've been asked if I would be set up with him. Of course, the first time I did say no, but ... well, he doesn't have a track record of calling people, does he?

Indy - Welcome back! What a weird experience of your family going on your blind date! Thanks for sharing that.

Tearese - Yeah, it does make sense. Sometimes I have no idea what people's types are. I don't even know who my type is!

Julie - Yes, I'm surprised I am open to it, too. I haven't always been. I guess good experiences help out. And the prospect of an interesting story, like dub pointed out.

Dub - Every member a matchmaker is one of the most hideous things I've heard. I can't imagine being set up with a toothless person. I think I would stare the whole time. Sometimes dating is a little like missionary work. Member referrals are better than tracting door-to-door.

Jill - GlossyVeneer said...

I have never been set-up. Although, the fact that I dated my hubby from the ages of 19-23 made some people in Utah uncomfortable by the time I was around 21 and we weren't married. They would offer to arrange a date for me if he was "afraid of committment". It made me angry that they blamed him. By that point we'd already figured we would get married, just when the time was right. And the timing happened to be right when my brother returned from his mission. I wasn't getting married without him there.

Brandon said...

My current YSA bishop is almost anti encouraging people to get set up, which I almost prefer. But that may be because he stays out of my bidness, which I appreciate. My thinking is, "why date someone if you don't really want to and if you have to be encouraged or guilted into it, you probably don't really want to."

Admittedly, I did have a priesthood leader who encouraged/almost made it sound like my responsibility to go on a date a week and I thought that was a good idea then and tried to follow it.

There may be some people who want to date, but it's hard to get out of their comfort zone or for another reason it's difficult for them. They might just need a little encouragement to cross that line and make things happen.

I guess what I'm trying to say (and hopefully this isn't too big a surprise for those who know me) is that maybe the bishop is inspired and something like that needs to be done in that ward, but maybe not. Perhaps 'Every Member a Matchmaker' will be painful for some, but help others.

Cardine said...

Yes. I totally agree with you, Brandon, that people should only date others if they want to date them.

warnser said...

I guess it's time to see what I think. I mean I pretty much know what I think... I think, but now I guess it is time to share it.

This is a very interesting question.
I have mixed feelings about being set up. In general I think it is a great way to meet people that you might not normally meet.

I could probably write a super big missive on the matter (like unto Sarah's) but I will try to keep it simple.

I guess my setup-factor kind of has a hierarchy. And I think we need to realize that people setting people up, could be working for one side or the other, or both, or neither.

I mean a person may be trying to set you up with people that you would like. Or the person may know that you are their acquaintance and say 'hey hook me up.' Sometimes, it's when they just think you two are perfect for each other,
but sometimes they just 'think they have a gift' but really, statistically speaking, they're abysmal.

Generally I will take one setup from anyone.

If it's good, then I'd do it again,
but, if it's not, then I would be more hesitant.

I have done some of this myself.
And I admit, I haven't been all that good at it.

but I think I'm starting to get it,
and if you don't think of it as an event with great consequences, then it doesn't really matter.

Unfortunately I seem to get to know a lot more about people, after I set them up,and that's kinda backwards.

So in summary,
or something.
the more I know someone, or the better they know me the more willing I am to take a setup.

One more thing.
One guy (J) was way cool.
he would pick a dozen girls that he wanted to go out with and he would set up one for him and one for me.

It was awesome. I knew I was getting someone that he thought was awesome! and that worked out really nice.
I guess I think they are good.
but better, much better if the people really know you, and really think about it.