There is something about today. What's with today today? It could be that I'm more sleep-deprived than I normally am. It could be that I am by myself today in my part of the office. Nothing is going on around me. I am left to work, listen to Coldplay, watch the rain, and think. It's one of those times when I feel like God is trying to tell me something. But I'm not quite getting it.
I am reminded of this missionary I served with. We became pretty good friends and talked probably more than we should have. One time he was venting a little bit to me about his companion. Not so much in a bad way, but he was talking about how there were some characteristics that his companion had that really irritated him. And then he said that he realized that he himself had those characteristics and that he never would have realized how annoying they were if he hadn't been around this companion of his.
I'm feeling a little bit like that right now. I feel like I am having a sort of mirror shoved in my face to help me see myself for who I really am. I'm getting to see the things that I don't really like about myself and some things that I do like. But still, it's a little hard to see that. I guess it helps me realize how much I really need to wake up and change. And change is hard sometimes, especially when you realize that some of the situations and things that you desperately want to change are the ones that need to stay the same.
It is so interesting... the people who help you realize these things about yourself are usually pretty oblivious to it. They don't even have to be close to you to cause that to happen. They could just be people who you observe in passing.
I'm glad that it rained today. It was perfect for my philosophical mood. The sky cried for me so I didn't have to even though my heart wants to cry. The rain-streaked windows are representative of the tear-streaked face that I should be sporting but am not. The sun is breaking through the grey clouds after a renewing storm. Sometimes storms really do help you heal. Sometimes hurting reminds you that you do care and can love. Coldplay is singing the song that I should be writing but don't have the talent, time, or real inclination to write and sing. Instead of writing the book that I know my heart wants to write, I am writing a blog. I am feeling unrest and calm, pain and love, nothing and everything.