There is something about today. What's with today today? It could be that I'm more sleep-deprived than I normally am. It could be that I am by myself today in my part of the office. Nothing is going on around me. I am left to work, listen to Coldplay, watch the rain, and think. It's one of those times when I feel like God is trying to tell me something. But I'm not quite getting it.
I am reminded of this missionary I served with. We became pretty good friends and talked probably more than we should have. One time he was venting a little bit to me about his companion. Not so much in a bad way, but he was talking about how there were some characteristics that his companion had that really irritated him. And then he said that he realized that he himself had those characteristics and that he never would have realized how annoying they were if he hadn't been around this companion of his.
I'm feeling a little bit like that right now. I feel like I am having a sort of mirror shoved in my face to help me see myself for who I really am. I'm getting to see the things that I don't really like about myself and some things that I do like. But still, it's a little hard to see that. I guess it helps me realize how much I really need to wake up and change. And change is hard sometimes, especially when you realize that some of the situations and things that you desperately want to change are the ones that need to stay the same.
It is so interesting... the people who help you realize these things about yourself are usually pretty oblivious to it. They don't even have to be close to you to cause that to happen. They could just be people who you observe in passing.
I'm glad that it rained today. It was perfect for my philosophical mood. The sky cried for me so I didn't have to even though my heart wants to cry. The rain-streaked windows are representative of the tear-streaked face that I should be sporting but am not. The sun is breaking through the grey clouds after a renewing storm. Sometimes storms really do help you heal. Sometimes hurting reminds you that you do care and can love. Coldplay is singing the song that I should be writing but don't have the talent, time, or real inclination to write and sing. Instead of writing the book that I know my heart wants to write, I am writing a blog. I am feeling unrest and calm, pain and love, nothing and everything.
8 comments:
Want to talk? I'm free any night you want. Or, if you don't want to talk, we could just get together and enjoy each other's company while watching a movie or eating or something.
Basically, I'm here.
Me, too.
(That is, I'm here for you.)
I tottaly understand and feel like this once and a while, so "chin up, wilber"- I agree that change is hard and a lot of time it can really suck, but keep the whole picture in mind. I also love it when you want to cry and the sky does it for you-I loved that part! Good luck with everything :)
You are my hero. You really need to write a book. You put things into words so well. I hear ya about needing to change. I need to change some things very badly but it takes energy and I feel like I am lacking in that. Good luck to you...and I can't wait until you write your many books! I will be one of your #1 fans!
Thanks, you guys!
I love it when you get all philosophical. It is so Cardine. Hope you feel awesome today and what not!!!
If you were here right now, I would give you a Lemon Crazy Muffin (hint, hint).
That was very philisophical and poetic. I think everyone has days (or weeks, months) like this. I'm glad you wrote it.
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