Thursday, March 19, 2009

Actors That I Generally Cannot Stand

I previously did a few posts about actors and actresses. I had a post where I told you who I thought was good-looking, one for actresses that I generally like, and one for actresses that I generally cannot stand. I've been meaning to get to this post for a while, so now you can thank your lucky stars, green clovers, and purple horseshoes that this post is finally here. And without further ado, here are the actors that I generally cannot stand. Special thanks to cash for listening to me whine about actors and reminding me of a long list of guys who definitely fit the mold for this post. I had oodles of names from which to choose.



Ben Affleck

Ben Affg... Affleck should be in a movie called "The Qualifier." He should play himself. This guy has an amazing ability to be in movies that are *good in spite of him. I mean, seriously, Ben is not a believeable actor. I watch movies with him playing a role, and I think to myself, "That is Ben Affleck. I know he's supposed to be someone else, but he's not. It's just Ben Affleck." And if someone asks me if the movie is good, I always have to say, "Yes, it was good in spite of Ben Affleck." Don't tell me you've never done that.


Leonardo DiCaprio

There is something about Leonardo that ... well, it weirds me out. It's like he's eternally the same age that he was in "Growing Pains." I don't know that he ever went through any kind of growing pain. He still is a teenager to me! Sure, he's only 34, which, yeah, is older than me, but he totally doesn't look it. I mean, he's getting close to being able to not play a teenager. He's putting on a little face weight, and the above hairdo is super-creepy-old-man, but wow, if I were ever in a social situation with him, I would have to not make eye contact and back away slowly because I would be weirded out. I do have to give him "Catch Me If You Can," though. I admit that I liked him in that.



Tom Cruise

It's a really good thing that I don't live in Telluride. If Tom and Katie were my neighbors, I would probably end up liking them, and then I'd feel guilty about really hating their acting and not being able to stand them on film. I actually wonder if it's the media's fault that I dislike Tom so much. I mean, I like a lot of movies that he's in, but I think it's the hype that really gets to me. I think to myself, "Self, what is the big deal about this guy? Sure, his stylists know how to dress the guy and give him makeup, but really, is he that great?" The answer is no. Take notes. There will be a test later.



Ashton Kutcher

I cannot go any farther before I ask you your opinion about the name "Ashton." Is it a real name? Is it a made up name? Is it a guy's name? Is it a girl's name? Could it be for either gender? Do you have a child with the name of Ashton? Okay, now onto the real story. I don't know who ever gave this guy his first job, but they had better repent in sackcloth and ashes (haha) for this one. It just irks me to no end that I am supposed to ever ... relate to this guy. At no time have I ever been happy that I was watching him in a movie or television show. He is just kind of there. I am bored just by thinking about it. Zzzzzzzzzz...



Michael Douglas

This guy is really talented. ...at making you think that he's slimy. He's totally a natural for a slimy guy. He could totally be type-cast. Ew. I am just grossed out by his sliminess. Even in "Romancing the Stone" or "Jewel of the Nile," yeah, he was slimy. I remember watching those movies and thinking that he was the antagonist the entire time. I wanted the girl to get away from him so much. I have a condition from my childhood from this guy. It is called MichaelDouglasIsSlimy-itis. I could seek help for this condition, or I could never see another movie with him in it. I'll choose the second option. Ew. Even "The American President." shudder



Matthew McConaughey

I can tell you how he landed his first role. I totally know that he flirted with the casting agent until they gave him the role. Sure, he's attractive, and he has some kind of accent (I still can't place it, entirely), but... whoa. I just don't know what he's doing on screen. I mean, it's got to be purely eye candy or something. I just don't get it. Surely he has been the same person in every part in every movie. Is that really acting? I suppose it could be, but... to be so restricted as to only be able to play one role? Come on. Work on your versatility, Matthew. And also, the accent sounds forced to me.



Will Farrell

He is not funny. Seriously. Not funny. I'm not laughing.



Bonus Creepy McCreeperton: Colin Farrell

Colin Farrell doesn't know how to not be creepy. In every role that he's ever been in, he has been creepy. I'm pretty sure that there was a movie where he kissed a girl, and it looked like he was eating her. That's really creepy. Don't eat people, Colin! Anyway, he is so creepy, that even slimy Michael Douglas is creeped out by him. He is so creepy that the eternal teenager, Leonardo DiCaprio won't make eye contact with him and backs away slowly. He is so creepy that even Will Farrell can't make any funny jokes about him. That, and the fact that Will Farrell is not funny.


*If anyone ever tries to tell you that "Jersey Girl" is good, don't believe them. It is, in fact, a lie. Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler... I don't know how I ever saw that.

19 comments:

Miranda said...

Response
Cameron Diaz is to me what Ben Affleck is to you. Unnecessary, unattractive, unfortunately in everything. Also I have it on good authority that he is really bald.
Leo from you description may or may not be a vampire named Edward. I actually like the guy in most everything I've seen him in. And the face weight mos def helps.
Ashton= zzzzzzzzz,Huh? Wha? Yeah. I'm to board to talk about it.
Matthew- very well said. I think he must have more than flirted with with more than one casting director to get where he is.
Will Farrell redeemed himself to me with Stranger than Fiction. Though he may owe most of that to Emma and Maggie.
Creepy McCreeperton- I've been too creeped out to EVER see a movie he was in.

Mellissa said...

I am totally with you on Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Cruise. I could never see a movie with them in it again and it would be too soon. I really don't feel one way or another about Affleck, but I agree that when I see him in a movie, I think his actual name, not his character's. I haven't seen much, if anything, with Will or Colin Farrell, so I have no opinion there. Ashton is an anomaly. However, I like Michael Douglas because he's so good at being creepy. I really liked The American President - sorry. And there was one with him, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Viggo Mortensen, in which Douglas is way freaky. Also, one with him and Sean Penn that is nuts. But, like I said I like him because he's creepy. Same with Matthew, but not because he's creepy. He's eye candy I don't mind eying at all. Sorry about the rant!

Anonymous said...

Ok, I feel the same way about most of these actors, especially Michael Douglas, Collin Farrell and Tom Cruise. As for Leonardo DiCaprio, I can only ever see Arnie from "What's Eating Gilbert Grape".

Flaur

Cash said...

Matthew McConaughey: creepy, one-note actor. I hear you. Oh, and I think the accent is Texan.
John Travolta and Nicolas Cage: (shudder) I can't abide these two, even when they're in movies I like (Pulp Fiction, Adaptation, etc.)

julie said...

I agree with Miranda - I really like Stranger Than Fiction and it's the only movie I've seen with Will Farrell that I've liked. Otherwise, I'm not into him.

Really, we're pretty like-minded about these actors. Oh, except Michael Douglas. I like him. He's not my favorite actor of all time (that would be Cary Grant), nor is he very high up on the list, but I like him.

dub said...

Reading this post made me feel yucky. I agree with your assessments, and it was hard to see so many reminders of icky actors at once. I had to go and re-read your "good-looking" actors post to feel better.

Flaur, I agree with your comment about Leo. He was darn good in Gilbert Grape, but now he is permanently retarded in my mind.

Maybe I'll be hated for saying this, but I have a hard time with Kevin Costner as well. Not because he's gross or anything. He's just not a good actor.

Sarah said...

So, I usually don't care for posts that are on the negative side... but this was actually really funny and it made me smile. I liked your humor.

tearese said...

I like some actors that always seem to be the same person in movies, no matter the genre..I guess I like their real personality, because thats all that shows. Like Jeff Goldblum, or Bill Murray. They're always the same. I like them. The end.
I enjoy Jewel of the Nile and Romancing the stone, I never thought about Michael Douglas as an actor though. Humm.

Anonymous said...

Dub, I can't stand Kevin Costner either.

Flaur

Cardine said...

Oh, how I love it when you guys comment on these posts. You are so humorous!

Miranda - You have seriously never seen a movie with Colin Ferrell? Wow, impressive.

Oh, Mellissa, you always come through on these comments. So funny! Sooooo funny! I love that you like Michael Douglas because he is creepy.

Flaur - Totally. Leo will always kind of be retarded.

Cash - Yeah, John Travolta and Nicholas Cage could have been finalists on this post. Except, oddly enough, Nicholas has gotten into my good graces lately.

Julie (and Miranda) - Totally. Stranger than Fiction was good.

Brita (and Flaur) - Um, yeah. I think Kevin Costner is universally accepted as not being that great at acting. Didn't we used to laugh about that part in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves where he would be like, "I will not rest until my father is AVENGED!"?

Sarah - Thanks. And I know what you mean. I try not to be too negative. And I try to leave it open so people can feel free to like the people that I can't stand.

Tearese - Awesome that you just mentioned Jeff Goldblum. My coworker was griping about how he is the same person in every film, and I tried to give a rebuttal, but I couldn't because it was true. I guess it is true that it just depends on if you like them or not.

KieraAnne said...

I agree that Jersey Girl is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I thought it would be a fun romantic comdey. It was not...and has forever had me scared of dying of a brain hemmorhage during childbirth. I agree about Ashton Kutcher too...I can only see him as Kelsoe on That 70's Show. I have no idea why Demi Moore likes him.
I like Michale Douglas, but I guess I've never really seen any of the movies in which he was a bad guy.
I always picture Leo as the retarded boy in Whats Eating Gilbert Grape too. I seriously thought he was mentally handicapped when I saw that and was surprised that so many girls thought he was dreamy. I thought it was nice that they were so open-minded, but still. After I realized he wasn't handicapped I decided he was a good actor. I don't think he's very cute though.
I like Mathew Mcconaughey. I live in Texas and people here (well some anyway) really do talk that way.
I used to like Tom Cruise. Not so much any more.
I think that sometimes Wil Ferrel is funny, but usually I think he tries too hard.
I don't like Nicholas Cage. He seems creepy...especially in all the movies he's done in the last 10-15 years. I'm pretty sure he had hair implants and he dies it black...his buffed up appearance compared to skinny and balding in Raising Arizona creeps me out. Although I do like National Treasure.

Dana Cheryl said...

I've never seen a movie with that Colin guy in it.

I do have to say that I really dig Leo. The Departed was awesome! I really had to pause it at one point and exclaim,"No way! That didn't just happen." It totally had me. Blood Diamond was good too. My question though...

Will Leonardo DiCaprio's character ever live to the end of a movie?

Cardine said...

Kiera - Thanks for your comments! I had never thought to notice Nicholas Cage to see if he has hair plugs. Hmmm... I'll have to notice more often.

Dana - It is good that you've never seen a Colin Farrell film. He really is Creepy McCreeperton.

Cash said...

Cardine, I'm calling you out on something. I could have sworn that you thought Elf (starring the "seriously not funny" Will Ferrell) was funny.

Correct?

Cassie said...

I generally agree with your picks though I think Leo is a good actor I just don't like the movies he is in mostly. And I really like young Michael Douglas movies, yeah he is slimy but that must be what i like about him.

Cardine said...

Negatory, cash. I thought it was just okay. But mostly because I liked Zooey Deschanel in it. She has a good voice. You might think that I liked it because I know a lot of people who really liked it, and I didn't want to say anything to the contrary to offend them because somehow difference of opinion on films is offensive... It's not like it's really that bad or anything, but it's also not very good.

Yeah, Cassie, it seems that Michael Douglas is the most controversial actor I put on my list. He appears to be well-liked by my readers, generally!

banana said...

I (very reluctantly) saw Elf. I didn't laugh, either. I just endured because someone I was watching with thought it was funny. I know what you mean about not wanting to be offensive when everyone else liked something you didn't. Also, you could see just about the whole movie in a preview of Elf. They basically show the whole story, only you miss the rather sorry ending. My recommendation: get the sound track. :) hee hee

Miranda said...

Dana--he did survive Catch Me if You Can, also as Gilbert Grape. But that is a pretty astute observation.

I thought Elf was highly quotable, but it would have been funny with pretty much anyone.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves= Pure AWWWSOME. Disneyland has recently been using that soundtrack to promote their 'year of dreams/best money making scheme ever.' Also that makes me think of another love to hate actor. Christian Slater. "We are brothers...and I'm so confused and angry...all the time...can't you tell my by furrowed bald head?"

Dana Cheryl said...

Miranda! I really miss you. It's been ages.

You're right about "Catch Me" but I'm sure that if it hadn't been a based on true story film he would have required the character to die. lol! I've not seen "Gilbert Grape" in ages either. I do remember the bath tub scene though. :)

Another observation...

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar should be renamed "Leo DiCaprio's Ex-girlfriend Calendar". I think that's another reason folks love to hate him. lol!